MSC Week 8: May 27, 2021

“Exploring Challenging Relationships”

New Exercises:

Compassionate Friend
Meeting unmet needs
Compassion with equanimity

Meeting Unmet Needs

When unhelpful anger and resentment arise in daily life, practice responding in these ways:

Validating Anger: First, we need to fully validate our anger before we can do anything about it. Many people know that they are angry, but they still subtly criticize themselves for being angry. Validating anger means that we support the truth of our anger and the worth of ourselves when we are angry.

Soft Feelings: The next step is to identify soft feelings behind the hard feeling of anger. Often anger is protecting more tender, sensitive feelings, such as feeling scared, lonely, or lost.

Unmet Needs: Behind soft feelings there are usually unmet needs (Rosenberg, 2015). Examples of unmet needs are the need to be seen, heard, validated, connected, respected, or known. The most universal need is the need to be loved. This unmet need often lies at the bottom of anger.

Self-Compassion: Validating anger, finding soft feelings, and discovering unmet needs are all mindfulness skills that enable a compassionate response. It is easier to evoke compassion for ourselves when we are no longer frozen in anger and we understand that our unmet needs are universal, legitimate and worthy. Self-compassion is finally giving ourselves the love and compassion we may have been yearning to receive from others for many years.