The new practices we learned this session were:
Loving-Kindness for a Loved One
Finding Loving-Kindness Phrases
This week, continue exploring to discover words or phrases that are deeply meaningful to you. Here is a link to instructions for "Finding Loving-Kindness Phrases", and here is a link to a guided version by Chris Germer.
The point of the exercise is eventually to settle on a few phrases that you use again and again in loving-kindness practice. So you can begin experimenting with loving-kindness meditation using your own phrases over the coming week, if you like. Whether or not you do that, do keep exploring with "Finding Loving-Kindness Phrases" to find loving-kindness phrases that are deeply meaningful for you.
The core of the "Finding Loving-Kindness Phrases" exercise can also be used to discover what we need at particular moments in our daily lives. For example, if we ask "What do I need to hear right now?," new phrases might arise that can be applied on the spot, as a balm for feeling down or disconnected.
COMPASSION AND SELF-COMPASSION
Compassion may be defined as sensitivity to the pain or suffering of another, coupled with a deep desire to alleviate that suffering (Goetz, Keltner & Simon-Thomas, 2010).
Self-compassion is simply compassion directed toward oneself—inner compassion.
LOVING-KINDNESS AND COMPASSION
According to the Dalai Lama:
Loving-kindness is “the wish that all sentient beings may be happy.”
Compassion is “the wish that all sentient beings may be free from suffering.”
When loving-kindness bumps into suffering (and stays loving), it’s compassion.
A meditation teacher from Myanmar once said, “When the sunshine of loving-kindness meets the tears of suffering, the rainbow of compassion arises.”
Both loving-kindness and compassion are the practice of good will.
LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION
Loving-kindness meditation uses phrases that can be tailored to cultivate either loving-kindness or compassion. Phrases that point toward happiness may be considered loving-kindness phrases (“May I be happy. May I live with ease”) and those that address the experience of suffering in a loving way are considered compassion phrases (“May I be free from fear. May I accept myself as I am”). Loving-kindness phrases tend to evoke joyful feelings, whereas compassion phrases tend to elicit an attitude of care, comfort, and encouragement. In MSC, we consider any meditation that uses phrases, regardless whether they are loving-kindness or compassion phrases, to be a “loving-kindness meditation.”
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVING-KINDNESS PHRASES
Finding phrases is like writing poetry—finding words that express something that cannot be put into words. We are angling for language that evokes the energy or attitude of loving-kindness and compassion. Here are some tips for finding your own Loving-Kindness phrases:
Loving-kindness phrases can be an object of attention in meditation much like breathing is used in breath meditation. To tap into the power of concentration, however, it is helpful to find a few basic phrases that can be used over and over, perhaps for months or years. Other loving-kindness phrases can be created on the spot for informal practice during daily life.
Many MSC participants are already using traditional loving-kindness phrases in meditation that were given to them by their teachers, similar to the phrases used in Loving-Kindness for a Loved One. There is no need for anyone to switch to different phrases but there is also no need to stick to phrases that do not feel resonant or authentic to the practitioner.
The phrases should be simple, clear, authentic, and kind. There should be no argument in the mind when we offer ourselves a loving-kindness phrase. Instead, good phrases evoke a sense of gratitude upon hearing them - “Oh, thank you! Thank you!” Good loving-kindness phrases allow the heart and mind to rest, like we have finally heard something that we have been waiting a very long time to hear.
It is important to remember that loving-kindness phrases are essentially wishes, not lofty positive affirmations (e.g., “I’m becoming stronger every day”). Research has shown that positive affirmations tend make people with high self- esteem feel happier and people with low self-esteem feel worse. (Wood, Perunovic & Lee, 2009). If the contrast between the affirmation and our living reality is too stark, we will become disappointed.
Loving-kindness phrases should be impossible to argue with—a wish can be true no matter what our condition may be. We want to “stick to the wishing side” of the phrase, or “honor the wish.”
It also isn’t necessary to use “May I…” in loving-kindness phrases if it feels awkward or too much like begging. The use of “May I..” is simply to incline the heart in a positive direction—to cultivate goodwill. Any phrases can be used as long as the inclination of heart is being practiced when they are repeated. “May I” actually means, “That it would be so” or “If all the conditions would allow it to be so, then…” This is called the subjunctive mood in some languages. Loving- kindness phrases are like secular blessings, or secular prayer.
We can address ourselves in different ways during loving-kindness meditation. Depending on what feels right, participants can say, “May I…,” “May you…,” use a proper name, or even use a term of endearment such as “Sweetheart” or “Honey.” And, using “you” rather than “I” is more likely to motivate someone into action if that’s the purpose of practice (Dolcos & Albarracin, 2014; Kross et al., 2014).
The question is likely to arise, “Who is talking to whom?” In MSC, the person offering goodwill can either be a compassionate part of ourselves or a more universal Self that is inherently wise and compassionate. The recipient of loving- kindness and compassion is usually a general sense of oneself associated with the body, but it could also be a part of oneself such as a childhood aspect of ourselves or a wounded part.
The phrases should be kept general rather than specific. For example, it is better to say, “May I be healthy” than “May I be free from my diabetes.” We cannot control the outcome of many situations in our lives no matter how much we wish we could. The idea is to stick to the wishing side of the phrases rather than getting fixed on an outcome. Some beginning practitioners simply say “May I, May I, May I” over and over again, without any object at all, to get a feeling for inclining the heart rather than going down the rabbit hole of expecting a specific outcome. Once the wishing attitude is deeply ingrained, it’s even fine to use a single word such as “peace” or “love” rather than a phrase.
Finally, the tone with which we say the phrases matters a great deal. It’s like talking to an infant or a beloved pet who responds to how you speak, not to what you say. We also feel the tone of our own internal dialogue, for better or worse. The phrases should be said slowly and warmly. There’s no rush. The number of times we say a phrase matters less than the attitude that prevails during meditation.